I am on my way to work after seven long months. It’s my first day back at the office, after maternity leave. I feel a thousand emotions yet I feel numb. I will still try to put down my the feelings into words so that non-moms ( not sure if that’s a word) can understand us better.
I haven’t left my baby for more than two hours with anybody other than my sis or my husband and both of them aren’t at home at the moment. My baby is exclusively breastfed with two meals of solid food so that is one aspect(Docs encourage you to feed till baby turns 1). My baby is still fed to sleep and has needed me to doze off till date. My mother is at home with the baby but she is old. I worry about her too. I am excited to be at work after so long but scared too. What if I am no good at it anymore? what if my mind is preoccupied with my baby? What if mom guilt wins and I lose? Also if it is mom-guilt, there is work-guilt as well. What if I am not able to do it all? Honestly, where did the seven months go? How did time pass so quickly? What is my baby keeps crying incessantly for me? What if he doesn’t eat and misses me? What if I miss him more? What if the separation anxiety is too much to handle, for me and for him. How am I going to pump at work? Most importantly where am I going to pump? How many days more can I survive on broken sleep(though I am sleeping for at least 6 hours in total, major thanks to Husband)? What if the nanny serves him food which is too hot? What if the baby cries and wants to be held and they keep feeding?
As I enter the elevator I realize nothing else has changed. I am back at the same place and everything is intact. My desk, my colleagues, the cafeteria, the food. Everything. If something has changed, it is me. I am a mom. I have a hundred thoughts running through my mind, yet I maintain my calm. I am a working mother. I can do it all.